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The Very First Offical TAKELAND Weekly Dispatch: The Future, And An Apology About Buttholes.

The Very First Offical TAKELAND Weekly Dispatch: The Future, And An Apology About Buttholes.

A DISPATCH FROM THE DESK OF THE OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY OF TAKELAND VICEROY AND SUPREME CHANCELLOR WRAY M MANNING AS DICTATED TO A PAGE AND THEN REDICTATED TO AFOREMENTIONED SECRETARY, WHO SHALL AT PRESENT REMAIN UNNAMED.


Good Day my dear, dear, TAKELANDians.

I have just returned from a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat/course at Dhamma Papata, in Jesup, Georgia. I must say, I do recommend the experience to you all. I feel like it did me a lot of good, in terms of learning about how I work and think, as well as what I would like to do moving forward with my life and with my time.

That being said, I felt it important to begin a weekly column on our publication here at TAKELAND. This is the beginning of that. Hopefully, that also means moving forward we will ramp up our production of content here on the site to include more than our podcast (The Duality and Hypocrisy Podcast), this column, and my artwork. IF YOU KNOW ANYBODY that would like a place to publish their humor and/or sports pieces and/or artwork, please please please send them my way. We would love to have them.  

 

THAT being said, i felt it important to begin THIS weekly column with a long overdue apology regarding I have a lie I told myself many, many times. Please know that while I may mention a few specific people, this is in truth an apology to everyone I have known, past, present, and future.

When I was in high school, at lunch, we were talking about washing our bodies in the shower. We began to talk about our butts. Washing our butts. Our good friend Carson (Behre) casually mentioned one of his methods for maintaining a sanitary bottom:

 

“I put my finger in the washcloth and get it in there”.

 

“YOU FINGER YOUR OWN BUTTHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA”

And we lauuughhed and laughedddd at poor Carson for months. MONTHS. Over the non-erotic touching of the inside of one’s anus.

 

When I was a freshman in college, only about a month into school, my new group of friends and I were playing Never Have I Ever.

“Never Have I Ever.... fingered my own butthole”

Turns out, my friend Justin (Dodd), had. AFAIK, Justin identifies as straight, and so, I laugh.

 

“You gotta tell the story bro.”

 

He said that when he was in high school, he was a serious chronic masturbator. When you masturbate three or four times a day, you often skip lube to avoid clean up. As a consequence, (and mind you these are the words of Justin, as I AM NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR...) the skin of your dick becomes dry and cracked. It hurts (HE SAID!! NOT ME!!). But, an addict must press on. Justin said that in that moment, he thought to finger his own butthole. And he did. AND IT WAS GOOD.

Do you know what I did?

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID??

 

I laughed. Not at the very funny story, not at his use of the term “crystal dick” to describe his chapped wiener, but at him.

 

I laughed at him. For erotically touching the inside of his anus.

 

Our gay friend present, Michael (Hogan), had also done plenty of butthole fingering. I did not laugh at him.

In that moment, I was lying. Lying to friends, and lying to myself. It it time for me to overturn that lie. To apologize.

Sorry, Justin. Sorry, Carson. Sorry, World.

 

Sorry, Wray.

I FINGER MY OWN BUTTHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It feels good. I do it while jerking my dick. Feels REAL good. And I held that inside of myself for a very long time, afraid of what would happen if I just accepted it. Of course, the thing that would happen was nothing. Fingering your own butthole is a real nonbo. You should try it some time. Really.

I leave you with this quote, about boys. This is very true of my experiences as a boy and young man, and it has taken a long time to begin to step out of this mode of thinking.

 

 

 

Because boys do not want to be labeled a fag, they hurl the insult at another person. The fag identity does not constitute a static identity attached to the boy receiving the insult. Rather, fag is a fluid identity that boys strive to avoid, often by naming another as the fag. As Pascoe asserts, "[the fag identity] is fluid enough that boys police their behaviors out of fear of having the fag identity permanently adhere and definitive enough so that boys recognize a fag behavior and strive to avoid it".

 

So remember, ladies and gentleman. Nobody is a fag.

See you next week.

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