Hi.

Welcome to my blog. I document my adventures in travel, style, and food. Hope you have a nice stay!

Pizza Jesus and the Pocket Pussy of Power

Pizza Jesus and the Pocket Pussy of Power

This is a Short Story that I wrote for a class last year. Enjoy!

 

 

Pizza Jesus and The Pocket Pussy of Power

        “Why the fuck do we have to take out all this trash? Can’t anybody else take a second and grab some of these bags?” Jackson struggled to carry the six oversized garbage bags he had bundled together in his arms. Sean looked over at his friend, whose shaggy brown head was almost invisible behind the mountain of trash he was carrying. “I don’t know dude, who gives a shit. Carrie said that we could leave after we took all this out. Let’s just hurry up so we can get out of here.” Jackson growled. “It’s the principle of the matter, dude. I fuckin’ know they don’t like us around here. This kind of shit just proves it.” The pair had reached the doors out into behind the store. Sean set his bags down to open the door for Jackson. “Dude, you work at the Mega Mighty Mart. Not JP Morgan. Who gives a shit what your coworkers think.” Jackson made his way down the steps of the loading dock and dropped all of his trash in front of the big dumpster. “You’re right dude, I shouldn’t worry about it,” he said as he threw the top of the dumpster back over itself, smirking as it crashed into the metal back. “Hey, I think that Lindsey girl wants to fuck me.”

           “Hah. Alright dude, you keep telling yourself that. Maybe in your dreams”

           “I’m serious dude! You shoulda seen her staring at me today while she was stocking bananas. She was tuggin’ hard on those ‘nanas, dude. She wants it.”

           “She was probably just trying to figure out how a homeless man got a job at the Mega Mighty Mart.”

Jackson cracked a huge smiled, his yellowing teeth framed by a scraggly beard. “Alright, fuck off, Jack McBrayer.” He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his blue Mega Mighty Mart vest. “You want one of these? I figured I’d waste some of Carrie’s time, since we’re still on the clock”

           “Sure, Dude.”

The boys sat down on the bottom step of the loading dock and lit their cigarettes. Sean coughed lightly as he took his first drag. “And fuck you dude, I don’t look like Jack McBrayer”

           “You’re right dude, you’re way taller and a lot less funny.” Jackson cackled, sending him into a coughing fit. Afterwards, both boys sat and puffed their cigarettes, staring out into the waning daylight. Jackson sighed. “Sean, do you-”

Jackson was interrupted by the sound of screeching tires, as a white van came squealing around the corner of the building and into the loading dock. The van spun into a stop in front of the boys, and the side door of the vehicle roared open. The boys couldn’t see into the van, only noticing the eeriness that poured out of the wall of darkness that faced them. A voice spoke up. “Hey, Dudes! Get in, quick! I’ll explain on the way”

           “No fuckin’ way man, who the hell are you?” Jackson threw his cigarette to the ground and stomped down the butt. Sean stood up, flicking his cigarette butt into the dumpster. “Yeah, no way. I’m not getting anywhere near you or your creepy van.” He began to walk back up the stairs to re-enter the building. Jackson started to follow, but was stopped by the voice’s cry from the icy van.

           “Hey, I’ve got pizza!”

From the darkness shot out an arm, holding in its hand an enormous pizza. The boys froze. They looked at one another, and at the pizza, and back at each other, and made their decision.

           “Alright!” They shouted in unison, and ran back down the stairs to get into the van. As they climbed into the van, they saw that the voice had come from an old hippie sitting behind the wheel. His shoulder length grey hair framed his bespectacled face well, and he wore an old military issued khaki vest. On top of his protruding beer belly sat a water pipe, worn and darkened by years of use.  He smiled at the confused boys as they took a seat on the floor of the van. “Sorry I don’t have the seats in right now, I needed the space. Just hang on and go ahead and eat that pizza, I’ll explain everything while we’re on the way.  You want this?” He shook the bowl over his shoulder as he started the van.

           “Yeah man, for sure.” Jackson reached forward and took the pipe, while Sean opened the box of pizza. He took a piece in each hand before pushing the box towards Jackson, who was taking a hit off the pipe. The old man shifted the van into drive, and they begin to make their way out of the store’s parking lot. He eyed the boys through the rearview mirror, and smiled at the pair enjoying his gifts. He cleared his throat and began his briefing.

           “Boys, Listen. I know this is abrupt and you don’t even know who I am, but I need your help,” Sean looked up and met the man’s gaze in the mirror. He saw the eyes of a tired man. “Last night, someone broke into my house and stole a prototype of an invention I have been working on for the past several years. I have to get it back. The men who stole it were my brother and his goons. They have taken the prototype to my brother’s mansion up in the hills to the north. I need you two to come with me and infiltrate the mansion and get back my prototype.”

The boys looked up at the old man in complete astonishment. Neither one knew what to say.  The old man shifted in his seat, waiting for their reply. Jackson swallowed his bite of pizza.

“Well, alright I guess. Sounds fun enough. If Sean’s in, I’m in.” Sean nodded in approval, and it was settled.

           “I do have a question though,” Sean asked. “What exactly is your invention?”

           “It’s a marvel of the current synthetic age, for starters. It is-”

A rattle of a gunshot and a shattering of glass sent the conversation veering. The old man lost control of the wheel, and the van began to swerve back and forth in traffic. As he struggled with the wheel, he yelled back to the boys, “Hey, quick! Pull down that curtain back there, I need to see!” Sean and Jackson turned around and pulled down the suede curtain that was hung behind them. They were dumbfounded to reveal several stacks of pizzas boxed and piled high to the ceiling of the van. Each one of the pizza boxes was adorned with a portrait of Christ on the cross with a pizza for a mandala.

           “Pizza Jesus.” The boys read in unison.

The old man yelled back again. “Get those pizzas out of the way so that I can see out of the back window! And be careful, the back door doesn’t close all the way!” Another gunshot shattered one of the back windows of the van, leading to a storm of cursing from the old man. Sean and Jackson began to move the pizzas as quickly as they could. As Jackson pulled several pizzas off the top of a stack, he saw the black car following them right on the tail of the van. A man pointed a gun out of the driver side window, directly at him. Jackson ducked, and lost grasp of the pizzas and sent them toppling into the other tall stacks. “Shit! Dude!” Jackson reached out to try and grab the falling pizzas. Sean didn’t even have time to react before the pair of boys watched the tumbling pizzas push open the broken back door and crash down on the black car like an enormous tsunami. The car veered off to the right and slammed headfirst into the barrier of the road. It immediately exploded. The boys cheered and high fived each other as they watched the wreckage disappear into the distance. Sean smirked, “Well thank you Pizza Jesus.”

_____________________

 

Eventually, the old hippie pulled off the side of the road and drove the van into the woods a ways, and put it in park.

“Alright boys, this is it. The house is just about 150 yards up the road. We’re going to travel the rest of the way by foot.” The trio got out of the car and began on their way towards the mansion. Jackson turned to Sean and snickered. “Hey, dude, check this out. I found this old Pizza Jesus backpack in the van, and I filled it with ‘za! Want a road slice?”

“Of course dude!”

The old man turned and chucked when he saw what had occurred.

           “Yeah… That’s how I make my living, selling handmade pizza’s outta that van I’ve got. Like a food truck, kinda.”

           Jackson beamed at the old man. “And you go by the name Pizza Jesus?! That’s awesome!”

           “Yep, that’s me. Pizza making is what I love, and I certainly like to think that my pizza could save your soul, man.”

           Sean looked at the old man in awe. “Right on. I guess from now on then, I’ll just call you Pizza Jesus. Fuck yeah, Pizza Jesus!” The three of them had a good laugh, and continued walking.

Soon enough the three of them had arrived at the outer gate of the house, about another 50 yards from the house itself. After climbing over the fence, Pizza Jesus turned once again to them and said, “This should be very simple. I believe he is keeping the prototype in his study, which is easily accessible through a butler’s hallway from the kitchen. Luckily, you can see the side door to the kitchen from right here. Let’s go!” The boys followed closely behind Pizza Jesus, marveling at the grandeur of the house they were about the infiltrate. Arriving at the door, Pizza Jesus peered in, and seeing no one, opened the door as quietly as possible. He motioned for the boys to follow him inside.

           Immediately upon entering the boys saw an enormous kitchen, completely steel and wooden and modern. They marveled at the size of everything: the island, the chairs, the light fixtures, even the fridge was huge.  They had never seen anything like this before. Pizza Jesus had found the entrance to the butler’s hallway, a small antique wooden door hidden from sight. He whistled to the boys and they caught back up to him, following him into the darkened hallway. The three of them walked for a short while in muted darkness, until they reached a heavy wooden door with a crack of light shining out from within. Pizza Jesus pushed the door open and ascended into the study. They boys followed suit.

           The study, much like the kitchen, had a sense of hugeness and grandeur that was almost comical. Tall, thin bookshelves jam packed with books reached for the ceilings, and it felt like everything was mahogany. The far side of the study had a rounded window, which loomed over the heavy set desk that was the feature of the room. Pizza Jesus spotted something on the desk and rushed forward. Picking up a small cylinder that sat on the desk, he turned to the boys with the cylinder thrust into the air like an Olympic trophy.

           “Well, here it is boys! The-

A cool voice called at them from behind them, in the doorway of the study.

           “The Pocket Pussy of Power. Yes, Gerald, the greatest next generation artificial genitalia, designed to instill confidence in any man who uses it. Now, put it down.” The boys turned to see an exact body double of Pizza Jesus, aside from the pinching pinstripe suit he wore. He was bookended by two massive thugs, brainless in their action and looking like gorillas in their cheap suits.

           “This is my invention, Harold, lay off! You and your goons stole it from me, and I’ve just come to take back what’s mine! I will not see this pocket pussy used for the likes of evil!

           “Well, I’ll say! Calling my motives evil. All I want to do is implement mind control chips into the pocket pussys in order to control the masses of lonely men across the globe. Now, that doesn’t seem so bad, does it? I would think that we both share a goal of liberation, Harold. Ah well, I suppose it just doesn’t matter after all. Get ‘em, boys.” The two gorillas began walking towards the boys and Pizza Jesus, each pounding one fist into the other like schoolyard bullies. Sean and Jackson looked at each other, and back at the oncoming goons. They knew that they must at least try their best, for the sake of their new friend Pizza Jesus, and also for the sake of the world. Jackson took off his backpack and rushed at the man in front of him, screaming at the top of his lungs. Throwing the man off guard, he punched him square in the stomach. The goon laughed right in his face; the punch had done nothing. The man swung back at Jackson, but he ducked under it and took off running towards the ladder that was attached to the bookshelf wall.

           Sean struggled to stay out of the reach of the other goon’s punches. Being lankier and less agile overall, he tried to keep more distance between him and his assailant. He spotted Jackson’s backpack on the ground, and picking it up, turned and swung it at the goon. He hit him square in the head with the bag, sending the man reeling. But as he prepared to swing the bag once again, the goon grabbed the bag and laughed. He looked Sean right in the eyes and tore the bag in half, sending pieces of pizza flying in all directions. The man looked down at the pizza in confusion, giving Sean a window of opportunity. He ran up to the man, and grabbed the back of his head with both hands.  He slammed the man’s head down into his knee, sending him straight onto the floor, completely out for the count.

           Clambering up the rickety ladder, Jackson watched as the goon on his tail grabbed the base of the ladder and began to shake it. Jackson held on as tight as he could, but felt his grasp quickly slipping from the thin ladder. He looked over at the large historical novels that sat on the shelf beside him; he grabbed the tops of several books and sent them toppling down towards the man at the bottom of the ladder. The man managed to dodge several of the falling books, but took a large encyclopedia volume to the skull, dropping him to the floor. Jackson made his way down the ladder, and gave the unmoving man an extra kick in the side, for good measure.

Both the boys turned to see Pizza Jesus and his brother grappling in front of the door to the study. Before either one of the boys could react, Pizza Jesus’ brother shoved Pizza Jesus, sending him to the ground.  He drew a pistol from within his jacket pocket, and pointed it at Pizza Jesus.  The boys looked on in horror as the pinstriped man stared down the barrel at his own brother.

           “I certainly can’t believe this is what it has come to, Gerald. You could have just given me that pocket pussy and avoided this whole mess. Now, you and your friends are dead.”

The shot resounded throughout the study, ringing in the boys ears. They were devastated to witness the death of their newfound friend. Jackson, with a fire in his eyes, yelled out to Pizza Jesus’ brother. “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you and your entire fucking family for what you did you fucking cocksucker!”

But it was too late. Pizza Jesus’ brother, along with the pocket pussy of power, had escaped the room. Jackson took off after him. “You bastard! Get back here you piece of shit! I’ll kill you!” Sean brushed himself off and followed his friend out of the study.  The two of them chased the chubby old man, panting and hustling, through the main quarters of the house and back out on to the backyard lawn.  It was too late though, and as the two boys burst through the back doors of the house, they spotted Pizza Jesus’ brother boarding a helicopter that sat on top of a large helipad in the middle of the yard.

           “So long boys!” He yelled over the whirring of the helicopter blades. “That was a great try, but the Pizza Jesus is dead and I have the Pocket Pussy of Power! That’s what you get for fucking with old Harold Shelieverwurst! Better luck next time!” He cackled and cackled as the helicopter disappeared into the sunset, leaving the boys alone in the yard. They looked at each other, tired and worn from their adventure.

           “Dude, what now?” Jackson sat down on the cold grass. “Pizza Jesus is dead.”

           “No dude, Pizza Jesus will never be dead. A great man named Gerald Shelieverwurst may be dead, but Pizza Jesus will always live on.” Sean spoke with an incredible fire in his eyes. “It’s our duty to take up the mantle of Pizza Jesus and go after Harold Shelieverwurst and get that the Pocket Pussy of Power back! For Pizza Jesus! For the world!”

Jackson smiled at his friend, excited at the prospect of their future adventures. “Right dude. For Pizza Jesus.” Both boys stood up, and began to walk back into the house to begin their new adventure as Pizza Jesus.

“Oh shit dude, we forgot to clock out! Carrie is gonna kill us!”

 

Episode 40: Mega NBA Preview with Sid Naik

Episode 40: Mega NBA Preview with Sid Naik

Episode 39: The Duality and Hypocrisy HARD HITTIN SUPER MEGA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT AND ALSO JUST DRINKY SPORTS TALK CAST

Episode 39: The Duality and Hypocrisy HARD HITTIN SUPER MEGA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT AND ALSO JUST DRINKY SPORTS TALK CAST