DEAR NFL: You Might Think You Good but You Aint - How to Stop Hemorraging Money and Save Your Product From Total Destruction, and No I'm Not Talking About Head Trauma Research You PC FUCKS
The NFL is bigger than it’s ever been. I don’t think that's news to anybody. They made 7.24 billion dollars in revenue last year, up from 6 billion in 2014. The national revenue shared is up 120% in 11 years. Football is as mainstream as it's ever been, and as Bill Simmons likes to say, “they’ve turned [it] into a 12 month sport”. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but in this case i assume a 12 month sport is better than a 15 month one. That’s just math.
Anyway, these numbers aren’t the point. THE POINT IS THAT you can’t just lay off the pedal NFL!!!! If there is ONE THING to be learned from the rampant corporate greed that is slowly strangulating this country, it's that you need to be looking ever upward and onward. NEWSFLASH NFL, 7.24 BILLION AIN'T ENOUGH.
Heres the NUMBER ONE market inefficiency i found (that sure sounds intelligent): According to the legendary radio crew Russillo & Kanell, 5 players had retired before the age of 31 as of 2011. As of today, 19(!!!!) players have retired before the age of 31. You wouldn't let a bunch of TV’s walk out of an hhgregg, so why let football players walk out of your football league????!? You guys are bad at your jobs.
BUT THATS OK! Because i have an all inclusive solution that will single handedly solve both of these issues in one fell swoop. Here’s what you gotta do.
You cut player salaries so that they are reminded who wears the pants around here. I’m not saying make them slaves (that’s the NBA’s move), but cut their salaries enough for them to be indentured long enough to MAYBE save up enough money to retire after like, 10 years. Maybe 15. I dunno you guys are the business-y numbers people just figure out something that works for you. 50% sounds about right, though.
“But Wrayyyyy... what would we possibly do with all that extra money???” Well, let me give you some dos and don’t’s for your newfound wealth so that all your fears can be put to rest.
DON’T : Set aside funds for player pension and lifetime healthcare
You JUST took their money away to make sure they had to keep providing gladiatorial entertainment for you and you alone, don’t turn around and promise them money once they stop.. That's just bad business. Besides, if somebody were to get hurt it would definitely be their fault for being a pussy and not just hitting the guy who hurt them back twice as hard. SEE: sam bradford. Ugh. what a baby.
DON’T: Give every certified fan a stipend
This would make the american public far too pleased with you and your product. Better to do like the federal government and avoid communication with people outside of the ruling class all together.
DON’T: Just keep it
THIS is how you piss people off.
ESPECIALLY DON’T: Invest in long term safety and head trauma research
I refuse to even comment on this DONT... if you haven't figured this one out yet then I really don't think you have a place at the table that is the NFL owner’s private island/motorsport complex. If you still do not think I am talking about you, please refer to your copy of Dan LeBatard’s “How to Avoid Acknowledging Safety Issues Altogether For Dummies” and you will probably see your big stupid face listed as the prime example on how not to handle head trauma complaints.
DO: Give it all to the media.
This is the clear answer and the only real choice if you want to see results from this investment. In 2016, if the mainstream media says something is true, then to the dumbest 90% of viewers that truth is 100% certified grade A gold true just because it came out of Anderson Cooper’s sweet, sweet mouth hole. Likewise, It just so happens that about 99.9999995% of NFL fans are dumb enough to believe whatever ESPN decide to push out of their Hot-Takes-4000 analytic supercomputer (you thought Skip Bayless was the brains behind that operation??). Quadruple the salary of any journalist on any of your affiliate stations, and I guarantee you’ll see your approval rating soar higher than George W’s after 9/11.
Plus, I heard from Peyton Manning that Adam Schefter would take any small infusion of 20 million dollars and immediate invest it straight into his new cryptocurrency SHEFTERBUCKS, which will be mined one by one every time Schefter thinks someone has wrongfully stolen his scoop. He projects 500% profits within the year, and I’m sure he would be more than willing to kick some of that back to you, or at least provide you with quality men’s cosmetics.
Oh, and I personally expect at least 65 million and a walk on spot as a placekicker on any NFL team, preferably the team you have already chosen to win Superbowl LXXXII (So that I dont look as dumb as DeAndre Jordan does in those State Farm “Meet The Hoopers” commercials).
So there you have it. Cut players salaries, dont talk to poories, and give the money to ESPN to make you look like geniuses. All in the name of saving the NFL from certain destruction.