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Not to be Outdone by The Lakers Once Again, Cleveland Browns Will Throw Farewell For Josh Gordon

Not to be Outdone by The Lakers Once Again, Cleveland Browns Will Throw Farewell For Josh Gordon

 

A few weeks ago Kobe Bryant played his last career NBA game in Los Angeles surrounded by days of media coverage touting the event as “Kobe’s Farwell”. The event included a Parade, a pregame video celebration ceremony, and a post-game baccanale worshiping of “The Biggest, Blackest Mamba”. Kobe managed to score 60 points in his last outing on 50 shot attempts, the most in a game by any player in the NBA since 1960 and the most shot attempts by any Los Angeles Institution since 2000. At the end of the celebration, everyone across the country was completely satisfied and no one had any criticism whatsoever. Everybody went to sleep content that Kobe Bryant would also sleep like a baby that night, going on out top like a true american hero

Well, not everybody.

The Cleveland Browns watched on with horror as the Lakers once again stole their (OKC) Thunder, only days after the country learned that Josh Gordon would be honorably discharged from his post as Cleveland Browns Wide Receiver and resident Manzhandler.    

A bit of backstory for those confused: In 1995, the Cleveland Browns were facing relocation to the country’s largest pile of might-as-well-be-dead minorities, Baltimore. Art Modell, the owner at the time, knew he had to do something drastic before he was forced to enroll his children in the Baltimore Public School System. His Plan? To bring Shaquille O’Neal, fresh off his NBA finals appearance, onboard as his new starting quarterback.

The idea was that no matter how poorly Shaquille was to play on the turf, he would be an incredible return on investment in terms of local revenue and media coverage (Art was very much ahead of his time). After all, who didn’t want to see the man they called “The Big Baryshnikov” throw ducks 15 yards down the field while being praised as the greatest crossover athlete ever? Shaquille was offered a record breaking salary, the keys to the city, and 10 square miles of downtown cleveland real estate- This offer is near the same as the one Lebron James would accept seven years later, with James receiving an additional bonus of four packets of Pop Rocks.

Legend has it that Shaquille was minutes away from accepting the deal when a mysterious envelope arrived on his agent's desk, postmarked from the long forgotten and far-fetched land of Los Angeles. The envelope contained only the script to the movie Kazaam.

The rest is history.

It turns out that the Cleveland Browns had a lavish celebration of Josh Gordon’s career planned for later this week- a celebration that was completely upstaged by Kobe’s Farwell. A few in the Browns offices that were old enough to remember the devastation of the lost Shaquille deal knew in their hearts that they couldn’t let the LA Lakers turn the Browns into laughingstocks for the second time in 20 years.

Officials from the Browns have announced that an even bigger and better farewell is planned for Gordon to occur Thursday, April 28th- said Head of Former Player Relations Bill Wilshertiber, “Josh [Gordon] will receive a celebration truly worthy of his contributions to our organization. We have involved Johnny Manziel heavily in the planning of this event, so it's certain to be quite the ‘banger’”.

 

 

TAKELAND is committed to providing comprehensive coverage of the Josh Gordon Honorable Discharge Mega Farewell Featuring Pitbull, Johnny Manziel and Guests. Look for our report Friday, April 29th.

 

 

 

DEAR NFL: You Might Think You Good but You Aint - How to Stop Hemorraging Money and Save Your Product From Total Destruction, and No I'm Not Talking About Head Trauma Research You PC FUCKS

DEAR NFL: You Might Think You Good but You Aint - How to Stop Hemorraging Money and Save Your Product From Total Destruction, and No I'm Not Talking About Head Trauma Research You PC FUCKS

An Open Letter to Mr. Arthur Blank: WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOINNNG TO OUR FALCONS!!!!

An Open Letter to Mr. Arthur Blank: WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOINNNG TO OUR FALCONS!!!!