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An Open Letter to Mr. Arthur Blank: WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOINNNG TO OUR FALCONS!!!!

An Open Letter to Mr. Arthur Blank: WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOINNNG TO OUR FALCONS!!!!

An Open Letter to Mr. Arthur Blank: WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOOINNNG TO OUR FALCONS!!!!

Arthur Blank my man!!! What are you doing??? Look, we the people of Atlanta get it!! You’re a busy guy. You’ve got a lot on your plate. You have to run a foundation with your name on it. You’re older than Black Independence. Atlanta United FC. WE GET IT BLANKIE!!!

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN FORGET A BOUT THE FALCONS!!!

The Falcons haven’t been the reason for the season in the Atlanta sports world since 2012, ever since they broke fan’s hearts by losing to the world’s greatest “Kaepernicker”, Colin Kaepernick in a divisional playoff game. Since then, Falcons fans have struggled with having to be Hawks fans… BUT THIS ISN’T HOW IT HAS TO BE.

Comparison of A True American Sports Hero and Some Thug We Let Play in Our Football League

Comparison of A True American Sports Hero and Some Thug We Let Play in Our Football League

You see Mr Blank, I might not be a rootin’ tootin’ co-founder of a major warehouse home improvement chain, but I am a college educated twenty two year old and a producer of a sub 300 listener NFL podcast, so I think I know a thing or two about running a football team here in the good old U S of A. The first thing I know to do that you have NEGLECTED to do, Mr Blank, is to introduce our sad obese cousin the Atlanta Falcons to the way out of his league but crazy as fuck hot girl from chemistry class that runs everything in the entire school, the 24-hour sports media cycle. And much like their schluppy teen movie analogue, the Falcons are going to need a MAJOR makeover if they want to shine bright in the eyes of America.

 

Here’s what I say we do, Mr Blank.

I now present,

 

Let’s take a closer look at this proposal and see why I believe that it would 100% propel the Atlanta Dzalcons into being the most successful, beloved, and beautiful football team in the history of the world. Before I begin to break down each element of the rebranding, I just want you to know that I tried to incorporate all the broad strokes of Atlanta’s multicultural culture in the design, and that I think it turned out quite nicely.

THE NAME

The Falcons is a boring, outdated name. We’ve been naming sports teams after birds of prey in this country ever since the Eagles semiprofessional baseball/social club in 1868 (which would later become the Fraternal Order of the Eagles in 1898, which would later become the band The Eagles in 1971), and the practice ONE HUNDRED percent must stop… but here’s the thing. In today’s Post-Meta-Ironic landscape it is IMPERATIVE that you take advantage of one’s ability to recycle content by placing a Post-Meta-Ironic prefix onto the content and moving on like nothing has happened. This is normally done with movies by adding a 2, 3, 4, or “Curse of the Black Pearl” to the end of the title, but for the sake of our football team, I think “dz-” will work just fine. If you’re wondering how this connects to the rich history and culture of the city of Atlanta, all you have to do is think about the memes.

For the past two decades, the Northern Atlanta suburbs have grown rapidly, providing an idyllic breeding ground for entitled millennial yucksters who feel that their #1 purpose on this earth is to make mind bending memes that satisfy their autism to the point of, well, satisfaction. The name “DZALCONS” is going to strike a real nerve with this demographic and propel your sports team to the top of Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and the AP coach’s poll.

 

A classic North Atlanta Memellennial

A classic North Atlanta Memellennial

 

Now, Mr Blank, you’re old and probably still use a type writer and hand wash your clothes, so it’s probably not worth my time to explain to you EXACTLY the genius behind the name “dzalcons”, let alone the power of memes in selling content to the 18-24 demographic. You’re gonna have to trust me on this one. Plus, the new name rhymes with “mascots”.

 

The Proof is in the pudding, which in this case is this heavily edited photo that ‘proves my point’

The Proof is in the pudding, which in this case is this heavily edited photo that ‘proves my point’

THE COLORS

The color combination of red and black has long been the laughing stock of logo designers everywhere- and here’s why

IT AINT EDGY NO MO

Red and Black used to mean something in this country. The color scheme represented edgy, bloodthirsty power. It was the designated scheme of pop punk front men and the south’s greatest university. But today, when Pete Wentz is Carson Wentz and the Redblacks play in the CFL, the color scheme is a disaster. Sure, one might argue that we could keep this outdated paintjob in the spirit of our Post-Meta-Ironic design goals, but I think that the switch to purple and black will fulfill these goals in a far more exemplary way, because, you know, it’s almost red and black, but not. But almost. It’s pretty much just as edgy, just not as outdated, considering purple/black was used by Kiss and Deep Purple and you know those are some relevant bands right there.

This change has also already been officially endorsed by the Atlanta LGBT community. As it has been explained to me, the LGBTs prefer the color purple to red due to its association with flowers and swollen genitalia.

THE LOGO

There is NO NEED to have the team’s logo be the exact same thing as the name-

If a fan can read they can see what the teams name is, so they don’t NEED the logo to tell them the same exact thing- but what they do need is for the logo to COMPLIMENT the name itself. In this case, a styrofoam cup of lean is a perfect companion logo for the name ‘dzalcons’, which already comes off as a drug fueled non-word (and definitely is not). Drugs play EXTREMELY well in all aforementioned demographics as well as the true workhorse demographic of the Atlanta sports fan base, the African-American community. LGBTs love drugs, Millennials love drugs, and Black people love selling drugs. I ended up going with the traditional African American drug ‘Lean’ in order to represent their community favorably and to give young black children something to put their faith in that seems reasonably achievable in their position in the impoverished underclass of the Deep South. I did take care, however, to use the most white-positive depiction of lean in the current zeitgeist, the cup of lean from Rae Sremmurd’s music video for their billboard charting popular music hit single “No Flex Zone”.

 

The lean of White America

The lean of White America

So Yeah, Mr. Blankie, that’s it. A COMPREHENSIVE proposal to ONE HUNDRED percent turn your flopping football franchise around into the all-powerful culture magnet I know you’re looking for to kick off your official takeover as Emperor of Atlanta.

Sincerely yours,

Wray Manning

P.S. I’ve got some other sick ideas that I think it would behoove you to consider as well… for example, why not make the nameplates and numbers on your jerseys SUPER SMALL to make sure the opposing team can’t tell which player is which so well? Call me Blankie. CALL ME.

 

 

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