TAKELAND Mock Draft 100% Correct 100% Guaranteed
1. Los Angeles Rams: Anthony Kiedis, Singer.
The Rams need more than an all star quarterback out of this pick- they need a frontman. They need somebody who is going to drive people to want to see them play in Los Angeles, win or lose. Anthony will bring the starpower the Rams need, plus they’ll make a fortune off of free RHCP concerts in their new super stadium.
2. Philadelphia Eagles: An American Bald Eagle, RB.
White, Aggressive, Bald. Sounds like Philadelphia to me.
3. San Diego Chargers: Gunner Rivers, Junior Hockey Superstar and Son of Phil Rivers
The only true prodigal son in the draft. Some are concerned that by actually spending time with his father, he might lose that psychopathic coldness many great QB’s possess.
4. Dallas Cowboys: Joey Bosa, DE
Jerry Jones can definitely get behind picking a player because he is white and tough and nothing else. Ship him some cowboy hats and he’ll be a J.J Watt-tier Texas hero in no time.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars Willam Alexander, Continental Army Major-General
Because it looks inevitable that the Jags end up leaving Jacksonville for London and being forced to become a cricket/rugby team, their only chance of remaining R is to draft someone who has experience fighting british tyranny.
THE BALTIMORE RAVENS TRADE DOWN WITH THE ARIZONA CARDINALS
The Ravens should not have the sixth pick. The public knows it, the league knows it, and the Ravens know it. So, to be fair, they have traded their pick to the Arizona Cardinals for some windchimes and one of those cool Bruce Arians Hats
6. Arizona Cardinals: Mark Mcguire, 1B
Steve Kiem is really good at recognizing players who look good in red and white. This is gonna be a home run for the Cards.
7. San Francisco 49ers: Clark Howard, Television Personality.
The 49ers should be excited to bring in a guy who both knows how to pinch a penny and extort the poor for millions.
8. Cleveland Browns: Adam Schefter, NFL Insider/Shefty
The Browns are fucking around any more- they’ve botched too many drafts in the past 20 years to let this clown fiesta continue- so they’re set to bring in a guy who will make sure they never fuck up a draft again. Thanks, Moneyball Guy.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The New Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Home Mix, Tasty Side Dish
A sidekick for Jameis and his crab legs should be appropriate here.
10. New York Giants: Ray Liotta, Leading Man
I don’t love this pick ,but apparently the Giants analytics have shown that the team would perform better as an hour-long drama than as a football team. Think about it- Ben McAdoo as the Police Chief, Eli Manning and OBJ as the comic relief, and Ray Liotta as... everything else.
11. Chicago Bears: An Actual Team Doctor, Doctor
We can only assume that the reason that the Chicago Bears have been playing so poorly as of late is because of Jay Cutler’s health crazed wife, Kristin Cavallari. She's probably got them on vegan diets, pilates regiments, and ABSOLUTELY NO MAN MADE MEDICINE. Hopefully having an actual scientist around will turn things around, or at least save some kids from smallpox.
12. New Orleans Saints: C-3PO, Protocol Droid
Finally, the Saints are going to have a player to match Drew Bree’s legendary speed. Plus, you can nix equipment costs for him because he's made of metal and is already the correct color. Easy pickup for the Saints.
13. Miami Dolphins: Kimbo Slice, MMA Fighter/South Florida Legend
The only thing the Dolphins have been good at as of late is overpaying players to live in Miami (probably necessary)- With this move, they’ve cut the football all together to become the world’s first franchised UFC team. Kimbo Slice is clearly one of the best fighters of all time and a TRUE SoFlo legend. Definitely the correct pick to lead the Dolphins into the future.
14. Oakland Raiders: Lil’ B The Based God, Based God
Oakland has only been on the up and up in recent times- a great young quarterback, a cool wide receiver, a dope offensive line, etc etc etc. The only thing left to do is rally Oakland around them to make sure that they don't head down to LA. Lil’ B will unlock some of the demographics the Raiders were struggling to hit, mostly young people and puppies.
15. Tennessee Titans: Several Beautiful Hawaiian Lei Girls, Cheerleaders
The only redeeming quality of the Tennessee Titans is their superstar prettyboy franchise QB Marcus Mariota. I bet if they make him feel as comfortable and as at home as possible in shitty fucking Tennessee, they’ll all play much better. Besides, who doesn't like Leis??
16. Detroit Lions: Calvin Johnson, WR
Another serious no brainer. Cmon now.
17. Atlanta Dzalcons: Quentin Tarantino, Director
With Samuel L Jackson already a constant companion to Dzalcons fans, it's time Blank listened to the media and gets a better director.
18. Indianapolis Colts: Ronda Rousey, Tough Girl
The Colts hope that having a tough girl on the team will make Andrew Luck less of a sad sack of shit who couldn't take a hit if his career depended on it (and, coincidentally, it does). Doubtful, but you can't fault them for trying.
19. Buffalo Bills: Land for a new stadium in Toronto, Property
America is finally gonna bite the bullet and let Canada eat some Fruit Loops instead of making them eat off brand Costco Cereal like those evangelical kids we never talked to in grade school
20. New York Jets: IK Enemkpali, DE
IK Enemkpali you was right
21. Washington Redskins: Elizabeth Warren, Congresswoman
The Redskins will draft Elizabeth Warren in another successful media heist of free PR at the expense of the native american people. This will also give Warren another 4 years to fuck her Cousins, or at least one.
22. Houston Texans: The Rights to J. J. Watt’s DNA, Cells
The Texans won't reap the benefits of this signing for probably about 20 years, but in 2036 look for breakout years out of A.A., B.B., C.C., D.D., E.E., F.F., G.G., H.H., I.I, K.K, L.L., M.M., N.N., O.O, P.P., Q.Q., R.R., S.S., T.T., U.U., V.V., W.W., X.X, Y.Y., Z.Z., and of course J.J.J. Watt.
23. Minnesota Vikings: Prince, Prince
24. Cincinnati Bengals: Rob Ryan, Football Guy
Desperate for personality, Mike Brown Jr finally has the reigns from his father and does something. He’s gonna do something for sure.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers: Jamarcus Russell, Quarterback/Your Average American
With Michael Vick’s career looking like it's almost finished, the Steelers save money and bring in the first ever NFL player to pay to be on the practice squad. Using the cap money freed up by not paying a first round pick a salary, the Rooney family buys the city of Pittsburgh free shampoo for a year, but does not draft a cornerback until the third round.
26. Seattle Seahawks: Oklahoma City Thunder, Basketball Franchise
After bringing their beautiful yuppie city a Super Bowl and legal marijuana, the only thing the Seahawks have left to do is BRING BACK THE SUPERSONICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
27. Green Bay Packers: Uday Sachdeva, Memer
Just.. just do it Green Bay. It’ll be good for all of us.
28. Kansas City Chiefs: Quesalupa, Fast Food Item
In an effort to prove once and for all to Andy Reid that a Quesalupa is indeed a sandwich John Dorsey picks a Quesalupa in the first round and demands Ried eat it before the Broncos make their pick.
29. Baltimore Ravens: David Simon, Creator of The Wire
He made Baltimore look good once...
30: Carolina Panthers: Jordan Spieth, Golfer/Not A Sore Loser
After Spieth's honorable loss at The Masters, people have been comparing him to that THUG Cam Newton. Carolina is going to kill two birds with one stone by having both the birds on their team.
31: Denver Broncos: Marvin Lewis, Football Coach
A fax machine error, John Elway meant to draft Starvin' Marvin, of south park fame, from a local town to restore some hunger into his now-ever satisfied team.
If you’d like to get the TAKELAND staff’s post-analysis of the NFL draft, check out episode 42 of The Duality and Hypocrisy Podcast on Monday, May 2nd